I've been whining too much about my life lately over at my Facebook page (as Edwin Haney), even though I don't have real problems. To check off a ledger on the positive side (something I rarely do), I must remember I do have a roof over my head (renting instead of owning now, but modern home ownership is a joke with all the property taxes even fortunate people without mortgages have to pay or get their land taken by the state), adequate food and drink for a man living alone, reasonable living expenses despite making too little money from a part-time job (that does give me more spare time to write than a full-time job would, so those are the trade offs), and a good mind to imagine what if scenarios for fiction ideas to expand my authorship's bibliography. The only things I lack are professional success at the writing work to become self-employed and some woman who would be ideal for me and my situation to share my life with and possibly even reproduce 3-5 kids (then I'd really need to be the consistent bestseller for keeping those little ones out of growing up poor).
Some old friends from high school who I reconnected with on Facebook have suggested I move on from past disappointments and never give up on my ambitious dream of becoming a successful writer. Actually the writing rejections don't bother me to the same degree as my romantic aspiration failures have. For example I have every confidence my second attempt at the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award will fare better this year than last, and even if untrue that would not bother me to the same extent of every failure I once had in seeking out love when a teenager and young adult. The thing that bothers me in that latter score is how every time I try and stick my neck out to win a woman's heart, or even contact some woman profiled on a datng site more recently, I NEVER WIN. At least with the writing, I have been published often enough during the past 27 months, made $37 last year from three stories and even self-published two novels (even though the first one sold only four copies and the second none so far - admittedly after five and two months respectively) with two or three more I plan to self-publish this year. But in the area of romance, I'm a total loser and picky about who I would be willing to date despite being average-to-on-the-edge-of-fugly-looking at 43 by some standards. I say that last part after seeing how my newest digital photographs from a new Fuji camera look terrible. The graying or thinning hair areas don't bother me nearly as much as the prominent forehead wrinkles when smiling big or raising eyebrows or the bags around eyes (probably from crying too much at times over failures with women in the past that still haunt me), I'm getting older and uglier by the year and even if I had the means to change the outward appearance through cosmetic means, it would be a lie concealing a face only a mother could love (and she's been dead six years now).
There are two schools of thought on how I should approach seeking out my soulmate (not the most-perfect woman, but the one that's ideal for me and not the next man). The Christian viewpoint looking towards God first would say "wait upon the Lord to give you the desires of your heart, if you seek Him first." The worldly viewpoint says "get up off your ass, go out and find her actively with total determination to win the woman you want or at least can get if not exactly who you're looking for." I know what I want in a wife, not listing those qualities here to prevent prejudicing my desires, but can I ever find someone who is exactly the woman I want in this world. I dread settling for someone interested in me who does not match my ideal vision for the wife I want, only to have God present me with the option I should've waited for instead of rushing into matrimony just to get married. Although I've read God doesn't promise the beleiver a mate, possibly because he/she might distract the believer from seeking and serving Him first in life, He does promise to give heart's desires to those that seek Him first. I may try contacting more members at Match, PoF, or CM, but if these contacts fail as other previous ones, I'll either fall into despair or look to God for provision with all trust in Him (even if from my POV He disappoints me from gaining a wife before I"m too old to care anymore). I just can't see any woman ever falling in love with me and don't know what that intimate emotion with another human being of the opposite sex would even feel like, given my chronic lack of any dating past as a natural born loser in love.
Some old friends from high school who I reconnected with on Facebook have suggested I move on from past disappointments and never give up on my ambitious dream of becoming a successful writer. Actually the writing rejections don't bother me to the same degree as my romantic aspiration failures have. For example I have every confidence my second attempt at the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award will fare better this year than last, and even if untrue that would not bother me to the same extent of every failure I once had in seeking out love when a teenager and young adult. The thing that bothers me in that latter score is how every time I try and stick my neck out to win a woman's heart, or even contact some woman profiled on a datng site more recently, I NEVER WIN. At least with the writing, I have been published often enough during the past 27 months, made $37 last year from three stories and even self-published two novels (even though the first one sold only four copies and the second none so far - admittedly after five and two months respectively) with two or three more I plan to self-publish this year. But in the area of romance, I'm a total loser and picky about who I would be willing to date despite being average-to-on-the-edge-of-fugly-looking at 43 by some standards. I say that last part after seeing how my newest digital photographs from a new Fuji camera look terrible. The graying or thinning hair areas don't bother me nearly as much as the prominent forehead wrinkles when smiling big or raising eyebrows or the bags around eyes (probably from crying too much at times over failures with women in the past that still haunt me), I'm getting older and uglier by the year and even if I had the means to change the outward appearance through cosmetic means, it would be a lie concealing a face only a mother could love (and she's been dead six years now).
There are two schools of thought on how I should approach seeking out my soulmate (not the most-perfect woman, but the one that's ideal for me and not the next man). The Christian viewpoint looking towards God first would say "wait upon the Lord to give you the desires of your heart, if you seek Him first." The worldly viewpoint says "get up off your ass, go out and find her actively with total determination to win the woman you want or at least can get if not exactly who you're looking for." I know what I want in a wife, not listing those qualities here to prevent prejudicing my desires, but can I ever find someone who is exactly the woman I want in this world. I dread settling for someone interested in me who does not match my ideal vision for the wife I want, only to have God present me with the option I should've waited for instead of rushing into matrimony just to get married. Although I've read God doesn't promise the beleiver a mate, possibly because he/she might distract the believer from seeking and serving Him first in life, He does promise to give heart's desires to those that seek Him first. I may try contacting more members at Match, PoF, or CM, but if these contacts fail as other previous ones, I'll either fall into despair or look to God for provision with all trust in Him (even if from my POV He disappoints me from gaining a wife before I"m too old to care anymore). I just can't see any woman ever falling in love with me and don't know what that intimate emotion with another human being of the opposite sex would even feel like, given my chronic lack of any dating past as a natural born loser in love.