Once upon a time there was an ongoing crisis between two of Earth's mightiest nations between about 1947 and 1991 known as the Cold War, something I lived through part of and an era that seems nostalgically safe despite the ever-present danger of thermonuclear war destroying human civilization if the United States of America or Union of Soviet Socialist Republics ever deliberately or accidentally triggered any nuclear armageddon. Yes, there were slightly fewer other nuclear powers back then (Britain, China, France, India and Pakistan), but none of those had the sheer megatonnage to end everything we knew. I suppose the nostalgia for such a time is due to it being past and thus no longer a current threat and the unknown insanity that is The War on Terror staring us in the face today. Growing up, I never feared nuclear annihilation as I was supposed to accoriding to the psychological experts, probably from the optimism of youth that is a natural fact of life.
Some commentators of those dangerous interesting times used to say that should a nuclear war come in fact that its survivors (aka the living) would envy those that died in the resulting holocaust (aka the dead). I never understood that impulse or emotion when younger, nor the Bibilcal prophecy from Revelation (chaoter 6 verse 16 and chaoter 9 verse 6) of men wanting mountains to fall upon oneself or to wish for death but being unable to die when suffering the Great Tribulations mentioned there. Now, I understand it far better, along with that expression about the living envying the dead. For the first time in my adult life, I experienced that emotion yesterday while working another shift of my miserable, bottom of the barrel part-time job as a building cleaner (glorified term for janitor). The morning before when meeting with a job counsellor from the Columbus Ohio Speech and Hearing Center about what the State could do for helping me secure a better job or comparable position, I learned that Ohio's minimum wage was now $7.70 per hour (I had thought it was still $7.40) and of course I only make the US and Kentucky minimum (the building I clean and my employer's business are both in Kentucky). I frankly hate my job and its inadequate funds to support me (having to dip frequently into some money from selling a house to compensate for shortfalls), and constantly complain to myself about how I have a useless college degree and limited job experience (both factors my fault) and must do hard manual labor for little reward at this stage in my life when some of my peers have succeeded at their ambitions far better than I.
Last night as I worked, while considering how crappy my life has turned out after almost 44 years - no wife, no children, no close family, distant friends (both geographically and emotionally) and a handful of Facebook friends I secretly consider my enemies (the rest of those folks mere acquaintnces I know through varying degrees of familiarity), no solid and economically satisfying career realized, I cannot count my blessings when so many things in my life are rotten or nonexistent I desire and have desired for so long. I am a negative personality, something I cannot seem to change even with the Holy Spirit's influence within for 15 years. It's what has made me toxic as a potential friend or lover to any woman I ever desired (especially if the lady in question was "out of my league"), and what will probably condemn me to a remaining lifetime of solitude and crushing loneliness here. And this is why for the first time ever in my seemingly pointless life - I truly envy the dead their peace of the grave.
Some commentators of those dangerous interesting times used to say that should a nuclear war come in fact that its survivors (aka the living) would envy those that died in the resulting holocaust (aka the dead). I never understood that impulse or emotion when younger, nor the Bibilcal prophecy from Revelation (chaoter 6 verse 16 and chaoter 9 verse 6) of men wanting mountains to fall upon oneself or to wish for death but being unable to die when suffering the Great Tribulations mentioned there. Now, I understand it far better, along with that expression about the living envying the dead. For the first time in my adult life, I experienced that emotion yesterday while working another shift of my miserable, bottom of the barrel part-time job as a building cleaner (glorified term for janitor). The morning before when meeting with a job counsellor from the Columbus Ohio Speech and Hearing Center about what the State could do for helping me secure a better job or comparable position, I learned that Ohio's minimum wage was now $7.70 per hour (I had thought it was still $7.40) and of course I only make the US and Kentucky minimum (the building I clean and my employer's business are both in Kentucky). I frankly hate my job and its inadequate funds to support me (having to dip frequently into some money from selling a house to compensate for shortfalls), and constantly complain to myself about how I have a useless college degree and limited job experience (both factors my fault) and must do hard manual labor for little reward at this stage in my life when some of my peers have succeeded at their ambitions far better than I.
Last night as I worked, while considering how crappy my life has turned out after almost 44 years - no wife, no children, no close family, distant friends (both geographically and emotionally) and a handful of Facebook friends I secretly consider my enemies (the rest of those folks mere acquaintnces I know through varying degrees of familiarity), no solid and economically satisfying career realized, I cannot count my blessings when so many things in my life are rotten or nonexistent I desire and have desired for so long. I am a negative personality, something I cannot seem to change even with the Holy Spirit's influence within for 15 years. It's what has made me toxic as a potential friend or lover to any woman I ever desired (especially if the lady in question was "out of my league"), and what will probably condemn me to a remaining lifetime of solitude and crushing loneliness here. And this is why for the first time ever in my seemingly pointless life - I truly envy the dead their peace of the grave.